Mood Music, #2

When the day is done
And my debt is paid
I'll watch as you lie in the bed you've made
And know that you can't change my mind
So self righteous
Condemned me...
While you only fear what you cannot see
And all you claim is your saving lives...

The truth is what will set you free
Why can't you open your eyes and
Tonight i'll set you free
Your persecution sickins me
All i want you to see
Is you contradict all you believe

Now the speak the truth
And save your souls
Can't ruin the lives of those you oppose
And even more you fake this lie
So pray for love
And pray for peace
So much further from lives then your campaign of fear
And all the while you claim to be right...

The truth is what will set you free
Why can't you open your eyes
And tonight i'll set you free
Your Persecution sickins me
All i want you to see is
All you say contradicts what you believe

So laugh at me, and say how i found your pain and suffering
So come to me, and tell me how i desecrate the light
Your messenger, now go tell the world of my fucking heresy
Your watchful eye, you gaze upon me with your hypocrisy....

Mood Music, #1

I think i'm breaking out
I'm gonna leave you now
There's nothing for me here
It's all the same

And even though i know
that everything might go
Go downhill from here
I'm not afraid

Way away away from here i'll be
Way away away from here so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe
Feels to be alone and not believe... anything

You can't stop me now
You can't hold me down
You can't keep me here
I'm on my way

I made it this far now
And i'm not burning out
No matter what you say,
I'm not afraid!

Way away, away from here i'll be
Way away, away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe...
Feels to be alone and not believe... anything

Letting out the noise inside of me...
Every window pane is shattering...
Cutting up my words before i speak...
This is how it feels to not believe...

Letting out the noise inside of me!
Every window pane is shattering!
Cutting up my words before i speak!
This is how it feels to not believe!

Way away, away from here i'll be
Way away, away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe...
Feels to be alone and not believe... ANYTHING!

Chill

Maybe I should just chill the fuck out. Drift from one thing to the next. See how things go in Florida. Who knows, maybe December 12th could be the next step to the rest of my life. We shall see.

What if?

As i lay here in the corner of my bed, naked and content,
I play the game "What if?"
What if there was someone next to me?
Warm and soft
Smooth and Supple
Curled into me and around
My face in her neck
The smell of her hair
My arms crossed in front of her chest,
Breasts filling my palms, Yet not sexually
More so in an act of comfort and security
What if this was the way things were?
What if?

Let's go

Been thinking of leaving as of late, but the dream is finally coming to frutition. Going to florida in December. And if i like it enough, i'm thinking of staying. Get a change of pace. See something that doesn't remind me of old times. Fuck this place. I've earned too many enemies and lost too many friends. Let's start anew.

Fuck Snow

Just when you wonder what could go worse, everything does.

So now I'm alone.

No hope of getting Taylor back, basically ever i'm guessing.

No hope of finding someone new.

No hope of ever experiencing something new in my life.

And then it snows....

Fuck Everthing

Deperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where i started
Chasing after you..

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you...

Forgetting all i'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing i know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And i don't know what i'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
that can change my mind

There is nothing else...
There is nothing else...
There is nothing else...

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where i started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing i know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And i don't know what i'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with a you

Just hanging by a moment here
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you...

Forfeit

Will not be shaken,
And jump into this,
And be persuasive, just carry on
Make my mind up, to go through this,
Or be firm and sit in silence.

Cuz i want to fight
I want to fight
I want to prove i'm right
I want to fight
I want to fight
So turn and forfeit...

Forfeit.

Forfeit.

Forfeit.

Forfeit.

Learn from this,
Prehistoric dance and
Refrain from talking,
Solves our problems

Medicated, could do
some good,
Or find a way to relate,
Or just shut up

Cuz i want to fight
I want to fight
I want to prove i'm right
I want to fight
I want to fight
So turn and Forfeit

Forfeit.

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

I want to fight
I want to fight
I want to prove i'm right
I want to fight
I want to fight
I want to prove i'm right
I want to fight
I want to fight
So turn and forfeit
I want to fight
I want to fight
So turn and Forfeit

So step up...

So step up...

and Forfeit...

So step up...

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!

Forfeit!!!

One Lonely Visiter

Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Knew you were here,
Sister confirms suspicions,
and beside the note, you left on my bed
Where i held you so close
Did you think i'd forget?
Couldn't be more of a mess
For to breathe
Used to be another way,
I'd take you in...

Well it's time to wake up,
And seperate feelings,
That i keep falling into,
Each seem like good reasons.
That i feel a break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
Til it's answered I'll say...

Now it seems there's a choice
That began with a break
So today,
Know that never again
Will I know you that Way

Well it's time to wake up
And seperate feelings
That i keep falling into
Each seem like good reasons,
I'm gonna break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
Til it's answered I'll say...

Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?
Am i alone in here?....

Evil Twin

As you stumble, into my room...
You are the evil twin they warned me about
Those drinks go down so easily...
Loyalties melt in your mouth like candy

During this act of sin
I don't hear jesus...
I only you calling my name
If the devil follows me,
Everywhere, i don't care
Cuz he's been like a friend to me

No more drunken phone calls
No more pleading messages...
Now that i'm on to you...
I know your bent on destroying me...

As lie face, down on the floor
I can't remember how we made it here
Is this part of your master plan?
Or are you just drunk and running rampant?

During this act of sin,
I don't hear jesus...
I only hear you calling my name
If the devil follows me...
Everywhere, i don't care
Cuz he's been like a friend to me

No more drunken phone calls
No more pleading messages
Now that i'm on to you
I know your bent on destroying me...

Temporary

So quiet
Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath,
Again it goes unnoticed

Please tell me your just feeling tired
Because if it's more then that i feel that i might break
Out of touch,
Out of time

Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
Cuz i can't read your rolling eyes
Out of touch,
Are we out of time?

Closed lipped
Another goodnight kiss
Is robbed of all it's passion

Your grip
Another time is slack
It leaves me feeling empty

Please tell me your just feeling tired
Cuz if it's more then that i feel that i might break
Out of touch,
Out of time

Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
Cuz i can't read your rolling eyes
Out of touch,
Are we out of time?

I'll wait until tomorrow
Maybe you'll feel better then
Maybe we'll be better then

So whats another day
When i can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you

This mood of yours is temporary
Its seems worth the wait to see your smile again
Out of the corner of my eye won't be the only way your looking at me then

So Quiet

Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation

Exhale
Another wasted breath,
Again it goes unnoticed...

Early Morning

Deep within the constitution of the soul, there waits a very presense so profound

So dark and terrible, the instability of human nature to define the very purpose of existance

Existance is but yet the sad dream of the humanistic reality that has befell the world

Drowned in smog, death is only imminant to the sad, yet strange world that hosts humanity

While Man is arrogant within this sphere he only borrows, a proportion of that is feminine.

As man is only a mutation, an abomination to the world, of the original woman.

The opposite sex of the adopted rulers of the world did indeed birth them.

Existance as we know it would not have commenced without abominations.

Abominations must continue to surface from the depths of hell for the star society to continue.

While we fight everything that differes from ourselves, we must one day submit.

Do not postpone the inevitable that MUST become of us

Death is imminant, and we must not fight the gods of fate.

When fate is disrupted, reality is disrupted.

And as we all know,

Reality is just a nightmare

Signs

Today a friend needed help.
Her friend was hurt and in trouble.
I just so happened to be hanging out with her when this trouble happened.
She didn't have a car.
She didn't have a ride.

I did.

I drove her and her boyfriend out to the park where this boy said he was.
But he didn't say where exactly IN the park he was.
We searched for about an hour.
Finally, me and her boyfriend found him laying in a bush.
He was in shock from loss of blood.

His left wrist was slashed all the way down to the tendons and bone.
We drove him to the hospital against his will.
He finally gave in and went inside.

They turned him away when he refused to give his personal information.
I drove them back home.
But by this time he had stopped bleeding and seemed to be ok.
I went home.

Now as fucked up as this all is.
It sparked my mind.

Some people believe in coincidence.
But some people belive in signs.

Now as far as i'm concerned, religion is fucked beyond belief.
But I was in the right spot, at the right time, with an exact purpose.
That boy could have been hurt so much worse, or done more harm to himself if i didn't get there when i did.

I'm not convinced in a higher being.
But for the record right now...

I thank god i was where i was, when i was, doing what i did.

Matthew Peterson "II"

Blind and shapeless,
to the world,
only a blur,

In reality, a cocktail of denial,
only to be corrected
by the mist
of unknown, glass-clarity

the starry array of uncertainty
and utter, dismal haze

The suits, tees, and shirtless,
amiable at best,
wandering inconclusively,
through all-bearing turnmoil, lust, and
almighty despair

to only yet,
be saved by the shady
hand of the haze as one,
and know truly nothing,
of the motives of past

~Written by Matthew Richard Peterson

Matthew Peterson

Within the confines of the depth
My mind, this beer, his soul
We bring along the pep
Dice, Roll
Togetther the laughing commences,
Drunk sex
Long nights
Lower your defences
Days spent dying
Nights spent the same
No more lying,
Cheating,
Stealing.

Tonight....

Depth? Soul? Pep?

No.... Tonight we roll

~Inspired by Matthew Peterson
~Written by Christian Nathanial

RocknRolla

"You see that pack of Virginia killing sticks on the end of the piano?
All you need to know about life is retained in those four walls.
You will notice that one of your personallities is seduced by the illusions of granduer.
A gold packet of king size with a regal insignia
An attractive implication toward glamour and wealth
And a subtle suggestion that cigarettes are your royal and loyal friends,

And that pete, is a lie

Your other personality is trying to draw your attention to the flip side of the discussion
Written in bold, boring, black and white is that statement that these neat little soldiers of death are in fact trying to kill you,

And that pete, is the truth

Oh, beauty is a beguiling call of death and i'm addicted to the sweet pitch of it's sorrow

That that starts sweet, ends bitter
and that that starts bitter, ends sweet.

That is why you and I love the drugs...

Now, please, pass me a light"

~Johnny Quid

Insomniatic Lunatics

Have you ever noticed that when the beauty of dusk disapears, and the calm of night sets in, life is no longer relevent. The minutes pass unencumbered and unnoticed. Love you feel during the day is amplified yet distant. Family no longer exists. The moment is all that matters.

The moment exists just for you.

And when sleep fails to come as it often does for me, your thoughts consume you. Your love is either much more valuable, or not as important as you thought. Friends can be amazing, or easily forgotten. Your self worth plummets, or sky rockets out of sight.

Dignity was never an option.

Death before Dishonor

Personaly
Everything
Ought
Persuade
Liars
Eternally

Against
Rejected
Euthanasia

Justifucations
Under
Secret
Tyranical

People
Awe
Within
Neurotical
Scarity

Beholding
Eirie
Fucked
Overpowerless
Republics
Envying

God
Over
Death

Just Breathe

Yes i understand that every life must end
Uh huh
As we sit alone i know one day we must go
Uh huh
Oh, i'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones i love
Some folks just have one yet others they got none

Stay with me
Let's just breathe...

Practive others sins, never gonna let me win
Uh huh
Under everything just another human being
Uh huh
Yeah, i don't want to hurt
Theres so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me
All i see...

Did i say that i need you?
Did i say that i want you?
Oh, if i did i'm a fool you see
No one knows this more then me
As i come clean

I wonder everyday as i look upon your face
Uh huh
Everything you gave and nothing you would take
Uh huh
nothing you would take...
Everything you gave...

Did i say that i need you?
Did i say that i want you?
Oh, if i did i'm a fool you see
No one knows this more then me
As i come clean

Nothing you would take...
Everything you gave...
Hold me till i die...
Meet you on the other side...

The End

What were all those dreams we shared those many years ago...
What were all those plans we made now left beside the road...
Behind us in the road...

All them friends i always pledged cuz friends, they come and go...
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Slide on next to me
I'm just a human being
I will take the blame
But just the same
This is not me
You see
Believe
I'm better then this
Don't leave me so cold
I'm burried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
I'm not worth your love
Enough
I don't think
There's such a thing

It's my fault
I've been caught
A sickness in my bones
How it pains to leave you here with the kids here on your own
Just don't let me go

Help me see myself
Cuz i can no loner tell
Looking out from the inside of the bottem of a well
It's hell
I yell
But no one hears
Before i disapear
Whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo in my unknown future seer
My dear
The end
Comes near
I'm here
But not much longer...

June 15th, 2010

Fall and Rise

Out and In

Exhale, Inhale

My breath comes quickly

So sudden, i can't catch it

Shallow and mixed

It broths and spits

The Nights seem warmer

But i shiver more then ever

Happy days?

Welcome to the summer of anxiety.

What do we do?

What happens when what we want is far out of our grasp?

When who we wanted is nothing but a memory?

When what we once dreamed is a distant nightmare?

Who knew that reality was just a terrible dream, and if your just a dream... then i am just a dreamer.

Perhaps....

The first girl, and the next, and the next, and the one after that...

all saw me a different way.

The first didn't care.

The second was just trying something new.

The third said i was a mistake.

And the fourth, idk what she thinks of me...

But i fear i am ruining her life slowly...

And it hurts... To protect her, i may need to hurt her.

But i will try to fix things, and if i can't...

Well, i'm done trying.

I'm fairly certain there isn't really "Someone" out there just for me.

I've slowly learned that i hurt people without even trying.

Perhaps i would have had better luck if i was meant to be with someone...

But... i'm not so sure anymore...

All i know is that when she has had enough, she will leave

And I...

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Once Again

We all Live

We all Die

We die slowly...

No matter what we try...


We love

We lose

Love lost...

Nothing left to do...


We move out

We move on

Some don't...

Just another con


We miss

We mourn

Hearts break...

Mine's torn...


We Like

We Love

We Fly...

On the wings of a dove...


I'm here

Your there

Finding someone is easy...

True love is so, so rare

~Chrish

Vision

My eyes

See All

Monumental Tasks

Miniscule Flinches

Thrusting Blows

Wavering Eyes

You Think

They Miss

Every Thing

Not One

Goes Unnoticed

Your Actions

Your Hesitations

Your Thoughts

Your Dreams

Are Seen

By One

Your Love

As I See Fit

I wake when the sun is preparing to rest

I sleep.... when i find the time

I live my life as the city sleeps

And i sleep... when dreams end

I enjoy the excitement of the bustle

And i rest... whenever it's needed

I love the daily rush of social insanity

I relax... in the middle of the chaos

You live life as directed

I live life... as i see fit

I socialize with my eyes closed shut

And i dream with my eyes wide open

Today

I get the feeling that i should just Abandon ship.

Time is fleeting, So should I?

I can't deal with all the fighting, all the shit.

I stare at this needle, quivering eyes.

Needless to say, I find this useless

Like me, staring in the mirror

It's infuriating, Fucking Rediculous!

Rise from the front, maybe the rear?

The cold of this metal...

The burn of my ink...

It creates a tale, beautiful like a petal

Until i See with my eyes closed... Try to rethink

I Loved yesterday

I fight today

Tomorrow i may,

Love, Fight, or pray?

It's always the same

I fucked up

She went... and came

Another mistake, sign the prenup

Night after Night

I sit in this loveseat

I muster all my might,

and think of days that i may meet,

Someone i don't regret

And can take care of...

The day we met...

I thought maybe... someday... possibly... I'll find love.


Was i wrong?
Help me forgive myself... please?
Take hold of me and ring the gong.
time is up... don't tease.

New

So here's the deal. Life is different. If i could see myself now a year ago i wouldn't believe it.

People like me. I stand up for myself. School is working out. I have a great girlfriend. My friends are awesome. People like hanging out with me and find me interesting for some odd reason.

All i know is that i don't want it to end. I like this new life.

Life is so short.... why not live for the moment?
If this is how my heart is going to feel, why deny it?

The answer to both of these questions.... "Don't".

Leaving...

I have a feeling i'm going to be leaving soon.
Not anywhere far.
Just out of this house.
Things will be rough.
But i can survive.
It's time to show myself that i can be self sufficient.
I can survive when the chips are down.
It's only a matter of time....

To all the Girls

To all the girls who have told me "No".
To all the girls that have said "We're better off as friends".
To all the girls that decided to fuck me over while we were dating.
To all the girls that told me they were different, and then turned out to be the same.

Fuck You.
Your not worth my time.
And apparently, i was never worth yours.
Sleep well. :)

Tonight

My thoughts pour out of my mind in torrents.

But not onto paper, my keyboard, or into a basin that may one day fill...

They fall to the ground

I can almost hear them shatter around me as they fall

They are almost like water, but not

More like an Acidic liquid

They fall to the floor, but do not stay there

Through the floor they seep

Into the foundation of my home

And there they ripen and mature

Soon they rise back up into the air

And as i sleep, they fill my mind.... again

I will soon dream dreams best forgotten

Dreams that scour and scourge my mind

Dreams that purge all reason and logic from my concience

Dreams... Left for Dreamers.

What i think, and what i know.

I think that i've fucked up alot in the past.
I think that i've made decisions that were not what some would call "the best"
I think that i'm tired of being used by women.
I think that i'm done putting myself in bad places.
I think that I need someone who would want to make me happy for once.
I think that i'd like to feel cared for

I know that it's time to stop trying. It's getting me nowhere.