It's hard to sit down and put things down again.
There's this feeling of anonymity, but not quite.
Who could be reading. Or who could be reading, but isn't.
The world has changed around me, and I feel different.
There are moments that I lose sense of time, and
A younger me would have striven to contain this all in rhyme.
But those times are no more.
And that boy is nothing more then a shadow, reminding me of what I once had.
I don't claim to understand all that I have done wrong in my few years of adulthood.
Or even if I'm morally good or morally bad when compared to my fellow peers.
I do know that I don't hate as much.
But at the cost of loving things as I once did.
And this is very conflicting for me.
No longer do I toss around the word "love" as if it did not hold consequences.
Of course it does.
And while I pride myself on never intentionally taking advantage of a woman and leading her along...
When the word "love" is lacking, It is hard to seem innocent when accused of such at the end.
I feel myself becoming something not quite complacent, but a mask of such deserving an award.
I would call it "charming bitterness".
I laugh and joke about reality when with others,
But when alone.
I cannot shake this feeling of fear of what may come.
And maybe that's the way it is supposed to be.
Many of the people I look up to in this world have told me that fear is sometimes a good thing.
It's there to remind you that you're not fucking crazy.
But sometimes I feel fucking crazy.
A crazy fuck, who is very fearful.
If you admit to caring about someone for even a second, and withdrawing your walls.
All your borders.
And letting this person into your life, and handing them direct power over your emotions.
Your desires.
Your fears.
Is that not such a thing worth fear?
I find that I cannot "date" as many of my peers do.
The entire operation is lost over my head.
Have I always been this way?
Or did I learn it?
These are my thoughts.
They consume me when alone.
And I am alone.
I do not resent being alone.
I do not think I would be made better if I was not alone.
But if man is anything, he is curious.
I am curious.
And I am alone.
