That one girl

Lately I've had this craving,
for something I've not tasted in a long while.

My better judgement yearns against the urges.
But like the sea they Push, and Pull...

I've been told that I'm wanted, but I do not feel so.
I've been told that I'm a personal fantasy, but those are just words...
How can I see what you see? You give me no detail.

At times when alone, I feel myself aching for the sound of a *sigh*
The vibration of a thigh.
The tingling you get that makes toes curl and bad karma flee.

...

But as in all things I crave, I cannot know if it's good or not.
I flee from past mistakes, but do not confuse the notion.

You are tempting...
But you are dangerous.

And while danger may be fun.
I'm no longer a boy, as you've no doubt noticed.

Keep me in your thoughts.
Look me in the eye next we meet, and see what you find.

Who knows, it may just drive you mad.

The Bar

I see you glance my way out of the corner of my eye.

What is it you see?

That time she called me babyfaced?
The mark I carry across my face?
The studs I wear as an act of rebellion?
All the memories that darken under my eyes?

You refuse to meet my eye.
Always looking busy the moment I turn to smile.

Are you ashamed?
Embarassed?
Scared?

What do you expect to find hidden in my eyes?

The first time I told her "I love you"?
The last time I said "it's over"?
The last time i let my father strike me?
The first time I spoke up?

You want to know more, but you know nothing to begin with.

Did you know?

I let her cheat on me?
She was the last?
I stopped saying "I love you" after her?
I'm scared to want someone, but more afraid to be wanted?

You're in over your head.

I'm to quiet to be of any use.
I like the little things, more than any big thing.
Sex should be slow and drawn out.
Momma didn't raise no quiter.

...
She laughs and wishes me well.
It was nice to see you again.
She looks me in the eye. Finally.

And just for a moment I hear her cadence behind my eyes.

"What is it you see?"
"What do you expect to find hidden in my eyes?"
"Did you know?"
"You're in over your head"

I chuckle to myself, and shake her hand.
Our eyes meet for the second and last time that night.

Until next time ladydude.

Hmmmmmmmm

When alone
hum

hmmmmmmmm
hhhrphhhhhmmmmm
MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm
EEEEEUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMmmmmmmm

There is no point in thinking about it
let the vibrations tickle your tongue till you can no longer stand it
the hum starts to take control.
Low or High
you stopped controlling it long ago, as instructed

Feel it

R                        F
I          and         A
S                        L
E                        L

fill your being with it

then

Reverse it

Allow the feeling to begin in your heels
Let it twist and twixt between your thighs and around your calves
Let it pummel your chest until you are numb
Let it flex your fingers to your biceps

Cross your eyes and take a breath

Exhale

Hum

Fresh Words

It's hard to sit down and put things down again.
There's this feeling of anonymity, but not quite.
Who could be reading. Or who could be reading, but isn't.

The world has changed around me, and I feel different.

There are moments that I lose sense of time, and
A younger me would have striven to contain this all in rhyme.

But those times are no more.
And that boy is nothing more then a shadow, reminding me of what I once had.

I don't claim to understand all that I have done wrong in my few years of adulthood.
Or even if I'm morally good or morally bad when compared to my fellow peers.

I do know that I don't hate as much.
But at the cost of loving things as I once did.
And this is very conflicting for me.

No longer do I toss around the word "love" as if it did not hold consequences.
Of course it does.

And while I pride myself on never intentionally taking advantage of a woman and leading her along...
When the word "love" is lacking, It is hard to seem innocent when accused of such at the end.

I feel myself becoming something not quite complacent, but a mask of such deserving an award.
I would call it "charming bitterness".

I laugh and joke about reality when with others,
But when alone.
I cannot shake this feeling of fear of what may come.

And maybe that's the way it is supposed to be.
Many of the people I look up to in this world have told me that fear is sometimes a good thing.
It's there to remind you that you're not fucking crazy.
But sometimes I feel fucking crazy.
A crazy fuck, who is very fearful.

If you admit to caring about someone for even a second, and withdrawing your walls.
All your borders.
And letting this person into your life, and handing them direct power over your emotions.
Your desires.
Your fears.

Is that not such a thing worth fear?

I find that I cannot "date" as many of my peers do.
The entire operation is lost over my head.

Have I always been this way?

Or did I learn it?

These are my thoughts.
They consume me when alone.
And I am alone.

I do not resent being alone.
I do not think I would be made better if I was not alone.

But if man is anything, he is curious.

I am curious.
And I am alone.

A Prayer For Wind

I'm drifting away

I feel it in the air,
and in the thunder.

I'm being pulled somewhere else.
My body will stay,

But "I" won't.

It's too bad.
This life can be comfortable,
yet exhausting.

A breeze is picking up in the distance,

And I feel the urge to climb aboard this ride to nowhere.

I prefer to be lost in my mind,
Somewhere else,
Where the air is crisp and empty.

There's no room to breathe here anymore,

...
No room to be me.

Just a thought

Prick of the finger
Tuck of the chin
Toughen up that upper lip
You might just win

That feeling in your chest
That feeling of unrest

I know the pain you feel
That unclean needle
Alcohol just can't heal
But why act so feeble?

Stand up for yourself

Be a man

Time passes
Doors open, and they close
Be strong of heart
She's just a weed, hiding as a rose.

Lead your own pack
You were never the runt
So see what could be
And drop that fucking Cunt

Thoughts for the Evening

I wonder.....

Do you?